Panic attacks are scary. Super scary. I am not myself when I’m breaking down. Everything moves too quick and everything is loud. Nothing is in control.
Over the past couple of months, my anxiety has gotten worse. There was a moment where I thought it became uncontrollable and I was sure that it had taken over me. It’s a terrible thing to experience when you’re alone. But that does not mean that you’re actually alone. I am not the only one to have these episodes for everybody suffers in life. It’s just that everybody suffers differently. For me, I suffer quietly and unnoticed.
Pain can only feed on pain. My pain comes from the thought of re-living my past. I want to believe that my past does not judge my future. But sometimes, when I am unwell, I re-live these horrible flashbacks of my childhood, my previous mistakes and my insecurities and I become hopeless. And these thoughts get into my head and I believe that my future will be just that, hopeless even lifeless.
It is a journey, when I am experiencing pain. Take this metaphor for example; I am driving in a car on a road. The steering wheel are the choices I make, the gas pedal is my self-preservation-my desire to live and the road is my life. Now let’s say that I’m driving on a road where I can’t see my destination. I don’t know where the road will take me but I drive because that’s all that I can do. There’s another road besides mine and a big, fancy truck is driving up heading towards my direction. A thought pops into my head that if I turn my steering wheel just a little bit to the left, in an instant my car would smash and everything would be torn into pieces. I would die. It is a sure fact that I will die if I decide that to be my choice. Be my choice. Every action that I do, every thought that I have is a choice. My other choice is to keep driving on the road, unsure of whether or not I’ll end up where I want to be. I am afraid of what will happen to me if I keep driving, and that’s why I think that crashing into the truck would be a better solution. I know that I would die. I would no longer have to worry, to think and I would never feel pain again. Right? But if I die, I would have died out of fear. I would have died given up on life. I would have died unhappy. And that is not what I want. So I decide to keep driving. This is the metaphor for pain from a person wanting happiness. It is a cycle provoked from thoughts from the mind. Some days I drive by a beautiful lake, some days a huge thunderstorm appears. But I never want to crash. I want to see another beautiful lake and I want to learn how to see clearly though heavy rain. It is the hope of happiness that keeps me going.
I know how tough it can get. I know how some days it’s better to be alone and let yourself be sad. I know what it’s like to push the people that you care about away to dwell and be lonely. I know. And I know that it’s all okay. It’s okay to take time away from everything and focus on yourself. It is so important to be in-tune with your soul. And if you ever feel that your soul is unsettle, stop everything and take care of it.
Everything will be okay. Say “yes” to life. Life is the only thing given to us and it is the only thing we should care about. It is important to not confuse life with time for time does not exist. The past and future is not relevant in how we live today. Life can be 80 years, life can be till tomorrow. We are not just surviving life but we are living it. Become stronger everyday and learn from life, not criticize.
So hold your head high and keep driving, because life is about the journey not the destination.